GOING MAINSTREAM AGAIN?

March 10, 2016

I've been thinking a lot of my imminent return to Canada as opposed to this freaky travel bubble I've been living in. And I started to realize that over the course of the past 14 months my life has slowly and almost unknowingly evolved (devolved?!) into this entirely new social order; an entirely new and different set of rules that given the context, is totally socially acceptable. But then I kinda had this "slap you in the face moment" when I realized that what has become entirely normal life to me is in fact, when I think about it, totally abhorrent in regular Canada life. So ultimately here is why I'm not sure that the real world will accept me anymore. Don't judge.

I can't even remember the last time I cleaned my body with soap in the shower. My bottle of body wash ran out I'd say 11 months ago and that shit is either not available or freaking expensive. And I'm seriously, not gonna pack a slimy, hair filled bar of soap around with me. I just don't believe in body soap anymore. A little bit of splash-scrub with water does the job. Except when you have particularly sweaty beach armpits, sometimes then it doesn't work but that's only a small percentage of the time and really, somehow it eventually goes away anyway.

It's totally normal to me to wear the exact same clothing every day for over a year. I think some of my less used clothing items have maybe been washed 5 times in said year. Everything smells a little bit but the threshold for what I choose to pay to wash has risen rather dramatically. Im good with it.

I regularly wear clothes all day, then I sleep in them, and then I wear them all the next day too. It's just easier. #dormlife

The amount of times I wash my hands after using the bathroom is marginal. You're lucky if there is soap in any public bathroom. For the love, sometimes you're lucky if there is even a sink. Sometimes you get a sink, no soap but also no running water. Sometimes it's a better choice to choose your pee-hands over touching the sink. Embrace it. By this point, I just conserve energy and don't even attempt to look for hand washing facilities.

I don't attempt to monitor my positions or otherwise conceal my gut rolls as I bend over in my bikini.

I speak openly about and share graphic details about poop constantly and within minutes of meeting new people. Ok...maybe, that is not such a change from before...

Bridger and I don't even bother closing the door when we go to the bathroom anymore. It's our new normal to have conversations while we're doing our business or like, brush our teeth while the other is on the toilet. We talk openly about the consistency of our poo. We've heard more farts and poos than humanly imaginable. And it doesn't impact our attraction to one another (I think).

On that note, I often forget to close the bathroom door around other people who don't have to love me anyways.

I haven't worn makeup in about 13.5 months. I hope to continue this non-practice despite my increasingly decreasing suntan and the reformation of those beloved Canadian black under eye circles from no sunlight and no sleep. We'll see how I fare. I'm sorry in advance for terrifying your children...

I don't think I know how to cook anymore. I have "eaten out" two meals per day for 14 months. What part of my brain was responsible for what little I did before is totally dead now.

It's totally acceptable to make friends with people and hang out with them for several hours/days and never bother to ask them their name. On a related note, when someone tells you their name, its totally socially acceptable to a) tell them you have no intention to remember their name b) tell them you're not going to call them that but rather, give them a totally different name that you prefer.

You make friends one day and then never, ever speak to them again.

The after-pee drip dry is the name of the game these days. It never works so, so good but usually (not always) you're wearing underwear. And you learn to function optimally in spite of the consistent splash of pee on your underwear/pants.

I've changed SIM cards so often that I don't even bother to even attempt to learn my phone number. When people ask me my phone number, even if I like them and want to give them my phone number, I say "I don't know". In my experience, people think you're a major idiot when you don't know your own phone number.

When people ask for my phone number, email or facebook, it is totally normal that I would laugh good-naturedly and flatly refuse the request like they were crazy to ask in the first place.

The terms "black people" and "white people" are now totally normal and regular items in my vocabulary and I openly use each in public places without a second thought. You can't say that shit at home! Thanks Africa for your brilliantly neutral use of these stupidly highly politicized descriptive labels that are going to get me violating all norms of political correctness.

My toothbrush bristles have touched more things than my teeth than I even care to think about. As long as it hasn't touched someone else's mouth, it's good enough to continue to use.

I regularly approach/speak with people carrying machetes and large guns without hesitation. Sometimes I ask them for directions. Sometimes I even do things like calling them "jerks" because I'm an idiot like that.

It is totally normal to just flip my underwear inside out to buy myself an extra week without doing laundry. Doesn't bother me one bit.

I have splashed pee on my flip flops more times than I can even count with no intention to wash them nor switch them up.

Can I still come home?

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